Lonely but not alone

I am not sure how to write these things but I think it is important to be real when documenting life. So real and raw will be the theme of this post.

I am a person who surrounds herself with people. I have always been that way. I love a good party and our home is frequently the gathering place for game nights or get togethers. I thrive on friendships and good people, I have never really felt lonely...until Virginia. I think that has been the hardest part really, being alone. I was so blessed to have a street of good friends before we moved. Literally a whole street full of them lined up house to house. There was always someone to chat with, one of Taycee's best friends lived across the fence and lucky for me one of my best friends was her mom. There was always a helping hand and a friendly face. I don't think I knew then just how good I had it. I mean I knew I was lucky, but I don't think I ever realized just HOW lucky I was. Most of us have moved away now from that little street, but 2600 N it's surroundings and all of the people who were there will always hold a tender place in my heart. It was a really GOOD time of life. 

I still keep in touch with those sweet people, thankfully social media keeps me up to date with the big happenings in their lives, but I miss the simple conversations over the fence and the playdates on the sidewalk. 

I have never lived more than 3 hours away from my family and never more than 5 hours away from Chris's. We had a big family function at least twice a month and we never missed an event big or small. We were in the center of everything and it was good. 

Moving away has put us on the outside. We miss most events now, big and small, we are usually the last to find out about anything, and it's hard not to feel forgotten. Don't misunderstand, I know we are loved and missed. It is just the nature of things. Life goes on and events happen and we are not there to take part in them so naturally we become less involved in their lives.

My sister Jenny is getting married in 5 days! I wish I could have been there these past months to plan. I wish I could have helped with the details and little decisions. I wish I could have been on the inside of this awesome happy event. When my littlest sister called to tell me she had written the toast and I didn't need to participate anymore, I cried. Forgotten. It’s so silly, these little things that don’t really matter but that I yearn to be a part of.

My dad periodically sends a text with a little message that goes something like this. “It’s treat night for the Claytons, I put 20 dollars in your account. Love you- Dad” – I cry then too.  I don’t think he will ever know how much those little times mean to me. Not because of the money or treat but because it means he is thinking of us. We are not forgotten.

The truth is I am not alone. I know that. Chris is the best friend I could ask for and he is always ready with an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on, there is no one in the world I would rather have by my side through all of this. I have little bodies that love me and need me and surround me constantly. I love them with all my heart and I am so grateful for this chance we have to become tighter knit as a family. Virginia will teach me something. I am not sure what it is yet but I am certain that every period of life has a lesson. Someday I will be on the other side of this time of life and I will be better for it, more empathetic to other lonely souls or more appreciative of the loved ones that surround me.

Life is lonely right now. But it won’t always be, and I suppose we must taste the bitter to appreciate the sweet.