Nine

We celebrated our 9 year anniversary a few weeks ago. I usually try to snap a picture each year so after church (which was technically the day prior to our anniversary.) we headed into the back yard stood Kaden on a stool handed him my camera and hoped for at least one in focus picture. He didn't do too badly and we ended up with 3. The best part of the whole thing were his coaching comments, "dad your head is too far away from mom's", "mom I think your arm looks weird like that.", "okay give me a real smile". It was almost like he's had to sit and be coached through seven thousand and one pictures. Oh wait, he probably has. 

We spent our anniversary doing yard work and painting the deck. Which was REALLY romantic (sarcastic emoji) it was fitting though spending the day working together on our home, and more than once I stopped and thought, "Look at this life we've built together in just 9 years." It is pretty remarkable.

We did get a babysitter and go out for dinner, we talked about 9 years ago and 9 years from now and what we thought we knew then and all the hopes and dreams for the next 9, and 90 years. It's therapeutic I think, to sit and dream with the one you love most.

I love him for so many reasons. I could (and have written in the past) write a sappy gushy post detailing all the reasons he is my soul mate, and I do believe he is. But today I will just leave it at this, he picks up the broken pieces when I can't and keeps them safe until I am ready to be whole again. He makes all the hard things seem doable. He loves me like no one else can and even when it's 11:00 at night on our anniversary and he'd rather be asleep he still turns on Pandora and dances with me by the side of our bed. He is the one I chose 9 years ago and I would choose him again 900 times over. 

Take me out to the ballgame

We are thick in the middle of baseball season. I seriously underestimated the amount of time it would suck out of our weeks, and also just how much I would LOVE watching that little dude of mine out on the ball field. It has become one of the highlights of motherhood thus far, minus the gut wrenching anxiety I feel every time he gets up to the plate. 

It has been everything he ever hoped it would be. and even better his daddy joined as assistant coach. I am honestly not sure who's dreams were more fulfilled by that, Kaden's or Chris's. Probably a tie. He was very lucky to join an outstanding team with a great coach. I think I have mentioned before but almost all the boys on the team have been playing for years, and with this being Kaden's first season ever I was a little worried he might not gel with the team. My worries were (thankfully) for not.  He has made some great friends and has just had an all around awesome experience.

Kaden and Dominic 

 His new skill is sliding and he practices it every time he gets. 

 He is never afraid to cheer for teammates... or himself. 

Oh my heart.

I mentioned the anxiety above, but what I didn't mention were the absurd cries/shouts/screams when he hits that ball and takes off for first base. Once he has stopped running and I realize the scene I am making I shrink down into my chair and pray no one noticed me. (Right... like no one noticed the 5' 10" lady jumping and screaming like her son had just won the lottery and there was a brain sucking alien chasing him.) I don't know what takes over me, but the moment that bat cracks the ball I am just not myself. Don't worry I apologize to anyone sitting around me each and every time. Can't stop. Won't Stop.

 I have a feeling we have just started a long stretch of anxiety, uniforms, and crazy screaming mommas... and I couldn't be happier about it.

WHOLE 30

We did it. We took the plunge down the rabbit whole of Whole30. A no sugar, no dairy, no gluten, no legumes, no processed food of any kind way of eating. I bought the book It starts with food over a year ago. I read it. I was excited and I was totally overwhelmed at the thought of starting it all. So I put the book back in the drawer and let all of the information stew in my brain. I knew I would do it someday but I just couldn't muster up the gumption to do it then. Thanks to some interest from another friend in my ward my fire was lit again in April and I committed the month of May to Whole 30. I even convinced Chris to tag along for the ride. Which he did so happily (hashtag: I am going to DIE before June comes)

We are currently 10 days in, do I LOVE it? No. Not today, but ask me tomorrow, that might change. :)

The crazy thing about it all is that the food we are eating is good food, tasty satisfying food. Here is a little glimpse at a few of my plates from the past week.

Look pretty good right? Maybe even mouthwatering.

But let's be honest for just a moment. If I eat one more egg for breakfast I might barf. Tonight I made a pan of sweet potato fries sprinkled with cinnamon, what I really wanted to make was a GIANT batch of my chocolate chip cookies and then proceed to eat the entire bowl of dough before it even made it into the oven.

Week 1 was surprisingly easy as far as the cravings went. Would I have like to have ice cream with the kids, sure, but saying no was no big deal. My only complaint week one was how much time I spent preparing meals. Meal Prep is serious business with Whole 30 and I spend at least double my normal time in the kitchen preparing food.

Week 2 has kicked my butt so far. My fire is dimming and I am really tired of eating veggies for breakfast. My body is missing carbs and sugars and easy energy sources and I haven't really seen any of the promised benefits. But I am almost half way there and we all know I just love torturing myself to accomplish something I don't think I can do. (hashtag: I hate running and I signed up for a 10k)

So here is my pro's and con's list so far

Pro's

I am eating much healthier
I have zero guilt or regret about the food I am putting in my body
I have been pushed to branch out and try new recipes
My kids are eating healthier too by default


Con's

Eating this healthy is SO expensive. We spent half our monthly grocery budget on the first weeks shopping trip alone
I feel like I am cooking ALL THE TIME
I am tired...really really tired
Eggs for breakfast for 10 days in a row... yeah that's old
I can't eat cookie dough right now

So there is where I am at. The good news of it all is I hear the best part is yet to come. I think if I can make it 4 more days I will finally start seeing the beauty of it all and the Pro's list will grow exponentially.

I'll keep you posted.

xoxo- Jill

A forever event

I was lucky enough to be able to fly home for my sister Jenny's wedding in April. It was the first time  I have ever gone on a trip by myself since Kaden was born. I didn't anticipate how much anxiety it would cause. I had never left this set of big blue eyes overnight before and even though she was in the very capable hands of her daddy my stomach was still in knots all day long. 

 I made a quick stop at the library before I headed to the airport and stocked up on 3 new books to fill up all the alone time I would have traveling from coast to coast. 

 It was so fun to have some time to spend with just my sisters and family. We made sure to get our nails ready (shout out for 6 dollar stick on nails!... no seriously they are the best) and spent Thursday doing lost of last minute store runs for all the small details that were still needed. 

 We got up bright and early Friday morning and headed down to Provo to set up for the pre-wedding reception. We stopped at Costco on the way down to pick up fruit and flowers. It was a pretty tight fit with all the reception/wedding/Costco items and poor Heather had very little wiggle room.

We spent all afternoon hanging lanterns, placing table clothes and creating the perfect "Tangled" scene for our very own Rapunzle and Flynn Ryder. Hanging 50+ lanterns from the very tall church ceiling proved to be a challenge, but we pulled it off, with no time to spare.... and I needed time! We rushed to Aunt Betty's house down the street to get the bride ready. I worked like a mad woman but she was still about 15 minutes late to her own reception. We gave it a good try.

Saturday was THE BIG DAY! I curled and pinned and applied lipstick...and then reapplied...and reapplied. I filled two entire memory cards with pictures. It was such a good day. The weather was perfect, the bride was beautiful, it was a happy day and I was so glad I could be a part of it.

So moment of truth... I was terrified of Jenny's hair. It is so long and beautiful...and thin and fine and SO healthy that it doesn't hold a curl AT ALL. Originally she sent me a picture of this masterfully done braid with intricate loops and curls and things way above my talent level and her hair's capabilities. I told her I wasn't sure if I could create the exact picture but that I could create something beautiful, and then I just prayed I was right. :D Luckily with a lot of product and time we got some pretty good curls to hold and well, she is just so beautiful it didn't really matter what her hair looked like.

How lucky I am to be a part of this group, forever. It is such a beautiful truth, families are forever. I am so grateful to be a part of this eternal family and to have started my own eternal family just like Jenny did on this day. 

The trip ended all too soon and I was off on another plane back home. Leaving Utah has to be one of the hardest things for me to do. There are just so many people and things there that are dear to my heart. Distance has made my heart grow fonder...and my tear ducts overused.

Friends from Home

When I heard our good friends (and Layton neighbors) the Dickman's were moving out to the East Coast I was selfishly quite happy! It felt like a tiny piece of home was coming our way. They were headed to NC which put them only 2 hours away... which feels like our own backyard compared to being in Utah. 

We finally found a weekend to get together and they came up to stay for a couple of days. 

Taycee was in heaven with Stevie here. They played non-stop and had a hard time going to bed at night because they couldn't stop giggling together. Friends, together, at last! 

a giant bubble bath with swimsuits on

They left too soon, and we can't wait for our next visit! 

The Meyers

I firmly believe that there are people Heavenly Father sends into your life. In fact, I believe that most of my answered prayers have come in the form of other people. I came to Virginia with such high hopes (and expectations) to find a group of friends that would become family and it just didn't happen. It was a hard adjustment for me and I was having hard time finding my happy. Then we met the Meyers. I know they were an answer to prayers at a time when I desperately needed a friend. They are in the military and had just been transferred (in September) to Virginia from Hawaii.  I was teaching Kaden's primary class when Bobby walked in. He sat down right by Kaden and introduced himself just like this "Hi! I am Bobby. My actual name is Robert Michael Myers the third. Have you ever known a third before? I am a third." He followed that up with "Do you like pokemon? I have 164 (I don't remember the exact number but it was a lot) pokemon cards!!" Kaden gave an equally enthusiastic reply and that was it, they were a match made in Heaven, instant best friends.

I was pretty happy to find out Bobby's mom was just as fantastic as he was, in fact their whole family was. They saved me. They took Virginia which was a pretty sad and lonely place for me and just made it better. Sometimes you meet those people who just get you, and you've been friends for a month but it feels like you've been friends for a lifetime. 

Several people at church asked if we were related, partly because their kids called me auntie (it's a Hawaii thing, and seriously the cutest) but also because the kids acted like they had been friends for forever.

Addi and Donovan are only a few months apart. They got to spend a lot of time playing together because between play-dates and family get togethers I think we saw the Meyers at least once a week sometimes more than that. Addison doesn't remember people's names except for family, she calls everyone Isa or Mom. So when Jen and Dono came over for a play date one day and she said "Hi DONO!" it was proof he basically like a family member.

After they moved she was walking around from bedroom to bedroom one morning saying "Dono...where are you?" 

Taycee adores Morgan and Morgan is a sweetheart and played big sister to Taycee most of the time.

For our ward talent no talent show we put a few numbers together. Chris and Mike won the talent for the night I think

Jen and I might have been a close second. ;)

When they found out their orders were to move to Texas the first of April I was so sad. I honestly cried more than once about it. We squeezed in every bit of fun time we could up until the night they left and then I stood in the driveway waving goodbye with alligator tears running down my cheeks. It's true though, these dear friend became like family, and they always will be.  We miss you Meyers family!!

Lonely but not alone

I am not sure how to write these things but I think it is important to be real when documenting life. So real and raw will be the theme of this post.

I am a person who surrounds herself with people. I have always been that way. I love a good party and our home is frequently the gathering place for game nights or get togethers. I thrive on friendships and good people, I have never really felt lonely...until Virginia. I think that has been the hardest part really, being alone. I was so blessed to have a street of good friends before we moved. Literally a whole street full of them lined up house to house. There was always someone to chat with, one of Taycee's best friends lived across the fence and lucky for me one of my best friends was her mom. There was always a helping hand and a friendly face. I don't think I knew then just how good I had it. I mean I knew I was lucky, but I don't think I ever realized just HOW lucky I was. Most of us have moved away now from that little street, but 2600 N it's surroundings and all of the people who were there will always hold a tender place in my heart. It was a really GOOD time of life. 

I still keep in touch with those sweet people, thankfully social media keeps me up to date with the big happenings in their lives, but I miss the simple conversations over the fence and the playdates on the sidewalk. 

I have never lived more than 3 hours away from my family and never more than 5 hours away from Chris's. We had a big family function at least twice a month and we never missed an event big or small. We were in the center of everything and it was good. 

Moving away has put us on the outside. We miss most events now, big and small, we are usually the last to find out about anything, and it's hard not to feel forgotten. Don't misunderstand, I know we are loved and missed. It is just the nature of things. Life goes on and events happen and we are not there to take part in them so naturally we become less involved in their lives.

My sister Jenny is getting married in 5 days! I wish I could have been there these past months to plan. I wish I could have helped with the details and little decisions. I wish I could have been on the inside of this awesome happy event. When my littlest sister called to tell me she had written the toast and I didn't need to participate anymore, I cried. Forgotten. It’s so silly, these little things that don’t really matter but that I yearn to be a part of.

My dad periodically sends a text with a little message that goes something like this. “It’s treat night for the Claytons, I put 20 dollars in your account. Love you- Dad” – I cry then too.  I don’t think he will ever know how much those little times mean to me. Not because of the money or treat but because it means he is thinking of us. We are not forgotten.

The truth is I am not alone. I know that. Chris is the best friend I could ask for and he is always ready with an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on, there is no one in the world I would rather have by my side through all of this. I have little bodies that love me and need me and surround me constantly. I love them with all my heart and I am so grateful for this chance we have to become tighter knit as a family. Virginia will teach me something. I am not sure what it is yet but I am certain that every period of life has a lesson. Someday I will be on the other side of this time of life and I will be better for it, more empathetic to other lonely souls or more appreciative of the loved ones that surround me.

Life is lonely right now. But it won’t always be, and I suppose we must taste the bitter to appreciate the sweet.