Time To Grow

Growth is a fickle thing. I want to grow, I think everyone does. I want to become more than I am; a better person more capable of empathy and compassion. I want to be refined and polished. Yet when those times come and growth is upon me I resist. I fight and I struggle and I wish it away because growth, however needed and wanted it may be, is hard.

There have been several times in my life when I have felt the nudging of my Heavenly Father, the prodding and almost whispers saying "It's time to grow" Each time I have resisted, dragged my feet and shed a few tears. Each time I have come out the other side stronger and more capable to handle life's challenges. Each time it has been clear to me that Heavenly Father knows me better than I comprehend. He sends me what I need even when it is not what I want.

Last year growth came in accepting a pregnancy that was  unplanned and untimely. I worried and I stressed about the months that would follow. Graduation, moving, finding a job, moving again. I knew we were in for a tough year. I knew that we would be leaving home and family. I knew that my limits would be pushed. What I did not know is that the little spirit that was coming to join our home would be the thing that saved me. I imagined handling all of these changes with a newborn and could feel the exhaustion that was sure to come. What I couldn't imagine is the peace that she would bring, the solace that she would be to my worried heart. I thought about life with 4 kids and felt inadequate to meet the demands it would carry. I didn't know then that this 4th child I carried would bring SO. MUCH. JOY.

Growth came again a few short months later as Chris had to leave and I was left with 4 kids on my own. Those were long hard months. Many nights ended with tears on my pillow. My patience wore thin all too often and my kids missed their daddy and cried for him at night. But during those months of growth I gained a firm testimony of the importance of marriage. I  have always loved and admired my husband and appreciated all that he did as father. But during those months the truth of the divine design of marriage was engraven on my heart. Men and Women complete each other. They are two unique parts to one greater whole. One without the other will always be lacking no matter how hard they try. I also gained empathy and appreciation for those women who do it alone. Who, for one reason or another, are both mother and father to their sweet babies. They are hero's in their own right.

And now I find growth is upon me yet again. I have been prodded and nudged and the whispers have come "It's time to grow." I find myself living in a place I'd rather not be fiercely missing those I love. I have always been a firm believer that happiness is a choice. Yet lately that choice has eluded me. I came to Virginia with certain expectation and ideas and have found most of them to be unmet and untrue. My days require a lot, and there seems to be no reprise from the demands. I am surrounded by little people all of the time yet I feel lonely. Chris just accepted a new call to be the Young Men's president at church which requires more of his time and places new demands on our family. I am trying to start up a new little business which is requiring time and money that I am struggling to find. And so last week as I was in the car headed to my boutique that was failing epically and I received a text from a family member saying they had to cancel their visit this summer I couldn't hold back the tears. A flood of disappointments and stress ran down my cheeks as the last 6 months in Virginia came to a head. Growth is hard. Then I received a tender mercy, I had the Mormon Tabernacle Choir cd playing and they began to sing "I'll go where you want me to go." In that moment I was reminded that I am here because it is where he wanted me to go.  And He knows, He knows about the demands, and the callings, and the loneliness, and the stress. He knows that my heart is aching to sit in my mom's kitchen and watch my kids play with their cousins. He knows that my pillow is more often wet than dry. He's helping me to grow, growth is hard but it has purpose. Then as all of those thoughts were affirmed to my heart the choir began to sing "How Firm a Foundation" a song that has always spoke peace to me in trials.
  In ev’ry condition – in sickness, in health, in poverty’s vale or abounding wealth, at home or abroad, on the land or the sea  as thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.  Fear not, I am with thee – be not dismayed.  For I am thy God and will give thee aid.  I will strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand.Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand. 

Growth is hard. I feel far from home, and my days demand much. But He gives succor, He is with me and He gives aid to strengthen and uphold until one day I will feel able to stand. I am growing, I am being refined. I am being taught lessons that I will draw on at future times when the prodding comes and I hear that whisper "It it is time to grow again."