When I grow up

It is 1:30 am and I can not sleep because my head is full of thoughts. My husband is snoring next to me, my 2 oldest children are in the basement snuggling grandma and grandpa, and my tiny one finally gave up the fight and looks like an angel sleeping in her crib. I thought that taking a hot shower would relax me and help with the transition into dream land but instead I am now sitting in bed blogging with a towel wrapped around my wet hair.

My hope is that by expelling my thoughts into cyber space I will be able to A) empty my mind (a little, Heaven knows I can never empty it completely) and B) let my hair dry enough that I do not have to use a blow dryer and wake up the 9 sleeping people in my home. So it seems I will break up the monotony of "mommy" posts that occupy the majority of my little slice of the world wide web, and instead give you ( all 3 people who still read this blog. ha.) a little insight into the crazy tidal wave of thoughts that plague my mind when I should be catching up on some REM.

As I was showering I was thinking of all the things on my never ending "to-do" list. Singing time ideas for tomorrow, well today actually, I wondered if they wanted the kids to sing on Fathers day, I tried to plan how I would teach the second verse of the baptism song and teach Fathers day songs as well. I push that to the back of my mind and moved on to the next thing, preparations for Kadens upcoming birthday party. I still haven't received a package that I ordered weeks ago. It contains crucial items for the bug themed party. What will I do if they don't come? Will the party be a failure? Maybe I should have gone with a different theme. But he loves bugs, he requested bugs, he is my bug, that is the only thing I ever call him these days. Bug. I hope he likes the party. I wonder what he wants most for his birthday..... then this thought....

"I want to be a firefighter"

That is what I hear from Kaden's lips daily. When he grows up he wants to be a firefighter. He wants to wear the red hat and ride in the truck and squirt the fires. Will he truly grow up to be a firefighter? Who knows, but for now that is what he wants to be and he eats his vegetables and takes his naps every day so
he can grow up to be a firefighter.

I don't remember what I wanted to be when I was little. I don't remember having a big dream or big plans, but I am sure that I too wanted to be something when I grew up.

I am grown up now, or more grown up anyway and I still wonder if I am who I want to be. I am not talking about what I would like to be able to do, but who I want to become.

I wish I was an incredible writer, one who could express her thoughts and feelings eloquently and really speak to peoples soul. I wish a was a talented singer and  could sing along side brilliant people whose  music  has inspired me. I want to be a gifted piano player and play complex music with little effort. I want to be able to sew clothes for my children. I want to be able to create beautiful things that others admire. There are many things I want to be able to do, talents I wish to posses, but that really has little to do with who I want to become.

I want to be a kind person, a good neighbor, and a loyal friend. I want to be present with my children. I want to be a mother who listens and teaches. I want to be forgiving and teachable.  I want to be humble and filled with charity. I want to be selfless. I want to be a person of truth and light. I want to be a tool in my Heavenly Fathers hands. I want to be not only a hearer of the word but a doer. I want to be an example of service. I want to be a better wife. I want to be dependable and hard-working. I want to be a means of bringing the gospel to those in need.... so many many things I want to be.

I found myself pleading with the Lord to help me be more like the person I want to be and then I remembered this beautiful quote from Elder Richard G Scott


 "We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day."


So simple and yet to me so profound.


And so I have decided that tomorrow I will be a little kinder. I will be more present with my kids. I will try to emulate Christ a little more in my life. I will seek out those who haven't tasted the sweetness of the gospel. I will have more charity in my heart. I will be a good friend and find ways to serve. I will strive to be a doer of the word. 


I will never be a brilliant writer or singer or posses any great amount of talent but  maybe by the end of tomorrow I will be a little closer to the person I want to become. And that would be good enough for me.