A collection of letters I have been keeping since I found out about baby number 4. They are long and boring so I don't suggest reading them, but I had to publish them so they would be saved somewhere.
November 13, 2012
Dear baby,
I woke up early today. The anticipation kept sleep at bay most of the night. I have been sick, and tired, and just feeling a little off. Last night I told daddy I should take a pregnancy test. He gave me that smile, the one that says "ok honey, whatever you say." In all honestly I thought I was slightly crazy too, after all, I have an IUD. A birth control that is suppose to be 99.9% fool proof. But at 6:00 this morning two little pink lines appeared and I knew you were coming.
There are a lot of unknowns right now. I hope you are ok, I hope the IUD isn't harming you or your chances of being a strong and healthy baby. But I feel a peace in my heart that this is the way it was always meant to be. So for now I will rely on that and work on growing your little fingers and toes.
You are an anxious little man ( I think you are a boy, in fact I would bet on it) you have been waiting to come down to this earth for a LONG time. Shortly after your sister was born I felt strongly you were there and you wanted so badly for it to be your turn. About 7 months ago your dad and I were in the temple, again I felt a strong impression that you wanted to join our family. I spent a lot of time that night in the celestial room talking with your dad and our Heavenly Father. Forgive me little one but I just wasn't ready. I came home that night and prayed telling Heavenly Father that I didn't feel ready in any capacity to have another baby yet but that I would do whatever he needed me to do. I like to imagine that Heavenly Father sat you down that night and had a little heart to heart. He probably told you that your turn was soon but just not yet. Maybe he explained that your mom needed a little more time to prepare mentally and emotionally for another pregnancy and baby. He probably wrapped his arms around you and asked if you would mind staying with him for just a short time more. I don't know what he said but I am sure he calmed your nerves as he always does mine.Your dad and I fasted and went to the temple again the next day. We both felt that it was okay if we needed more time, but that it was time to start preparing. Your dad looked at me and said "we have a baby up there that is very impatient."
Two months ago the feelings started again. It was as if you were whispering straight to my heart "mommy, I am here and I am ready. Please don't make me wait" So once again we sat in the temple praying for answers. It was your dad this time who so clearly received confirmation that it was time. Sometimes mommies emotions get the best of her and my head gets in the way of what my heart knows. We sat down and laid out a "timeline" dad is almost done with school and we have a lot of changes coming up. Mommy doesn't have the easiest or safest pregnancies and I am almost sure I will be on bed-rest for awhile with you in the end. Dad said "let's not wait! This baby wants to be here now!" I said "let's be practical, I can't be 9 months pregnant when you are graduating and we are moving and everything is happening". Your daddy loves me so he relented. The plan was after the new year we would take out the IUD. I thought an October baby sounded just about perfect. Silly me, you think mommy would have got the clue that you really were done waiting.
So here we are. I am not sure how far along we are you and I. But it is most certain you will be a summer baby, amongst all the chaos that this summer will bring. Please be nice to me, the next 8ish months are sure to be hard and emotional, but as always the end result will far surpass my expectations. Love you already.
xoxo- momma
November 22, 2012
Dear baby,
Today is Thanksgiving, and at the top of my thankful list is you. Daddy and I haven't told anyone about you yet. We are waiting to see a doctor and know exactly what it is that is happening with you and my IUD. I know you are healthy because mommy has never been sicker. So for today, just today can you let ME have some of my nutrients because it is going to be really hard to pretend to be normal when I feel so awful. Happy Thanksgiving baby.
xoxo- momma
December 6th, 2012
Dear baby,
Do you know that in order for you to be born your momma needs to stay alive for the next little while? Today has been a hard day, I haven't been able to go more than 5 feet from the bathroom. I had to take a portable throw-up bucket in the car with me to pick your brother up from school. But in between dry heaving sessions (there is nothing left to come up so that is all they are now) I think about you and I am glad that you are thriving. Daddy thinks there are 2 of you because he hasn't seen me so sick before. I think you are just one strong little dude. You make it hard to keep our secret, I don't leave the house most days because it is impossible to not look like I am dying. You are the best weight loss plan though, I am down 6 pounds. Your brother and sister pray every night that mommy will feel better. I am calling the doctor first thing in the morning to see if there is anything stronger they can give me to help us both stay healthy.
xoxo- momma
December 10th, 2012
Dear baby,
I saw you today. I made a call to the doctor again to see when I should come in. I am not sure if she misunderstood me 3 weeks ago when I called but she seemed shocked that I hadn't been in yet to see where my IUD is in relation to your precious little body. So they scheduled an ultrasound 3 hours later. They did a lot of prodding and probing they used lots of different machines but the final conclusion is that you are thriving and healthy and the IUD is nowhere to be found. Although that was a relief to hear, I knew it would all be okay from the start. The question is what did you do with that IUD?? They want me to get an Xray after you are born to make sure it is not "floating around" inside me somewhere, but the consensus for now is that it must have fallen out without me noticing. I think they expected more surprise out of me, but like I said before you were determined to come so it didn't surprise me at all. They also decided I am about 8 weeks along. So if all goes as planned you will be joining our family in July. Please Please Please wait til July.
Seeing you was magic as it was with all of your siblings. I am constantly amazed and humbled at the miracle of human life. I am also constantly grateful for modern medicine. They prescribed me a cocktail of drugs that just might carry me through alive.
Now that we know all is well without complication we are getting ready to announce your coming to the family. With Christmas being 2 weeks away we will probably wait til then.
See you in about 7 months!
xoxo- momma
December 14th, 2012
Dear baby,
Sometimes I worry about this world I am bringing you into. There are so many sad and scary things that happen here. Today something tragic happened to little children your brothers age. My heart breaks and my mind reels while trying to comprehend such evil. Often it is enough to want to gather all my children close and hide away somewhere. But baby, in a world with so much evil there is so much good. Be the good in this dark world. Come here and be the light that others need. Learn and grown and be safe. There is a war going on here, a war that has been going on since the beginning of time. We are on the side that will win, always remember that.
Be the good baby.
xoxo- momma
December 16th, 2012
Dear baby,
I love you already. I do. But you are sucking the life out of me. I don't think I have ever been so sick. I throw up from the time I wake up til the moment I fall asleep. This last weekend I spent the day shooting a wedding. I ate breakfast before I left but I didn't get a chance to eat again til late that night. Normally I can do that. Any time I do wedding photography I do that. But this time I was a mess. I threw up once at the temple in the bushes. I have become SO good at discretely throwing up that no one even notices. Every time I laid on the ground to get the perfect angle for my shot I about passed out when I stood up. Grandpa Halladay could tell I needed food at the reception so he went and bought me a subway sandwich and I snuck out and ate in his car. He is a good one that grandpa. Saturday morning at the ward breakfast I threw up in the garbage can because I couldn't make it to the bathroom. It was very reminiscent of the time I threw up in the airport garbage can when I was pregnant with your brother. However I have gotten much more skilled at the art of vomit since then so unlike the showing at the airport I think I got away unnoticed at the party. It is a good thing Christmas is 9 days away because I am having a hard time pretending to be normal. Grandma and Grandpa Clayton were here this weekend for your sisters dance recital. We went out to eat afterward and the smell of everyone's food combined was making me gag. Grandma kept asking why I wasn't eating my food and I tried to smile and said "I am just not hungry" when really I was using every ounce of self power not to lose it in front of everyone. When we got home I made your dad take a drive with me just so I could have a few minutes to be sick and stop pretending. The medicine isn't helping. The medicine has always helped in the past. You are a strong one my child. Once we finally make the announcement of your coming I will probably have to call and explain myself to a few people. I am not the most patient or friendly individual. I have pretty much fallen off the radar so I can curl up in a ball on the bathroom floor. Something has got to give my little one. If dad opens the fridge in the kitchen I start to gag in the living room, even if I don't see him open it I can smell it. I wake up with a headache every day and I am not being a very good mommy to your 3 siblings. Kaden and Addi both have the flu currently and I am pretty much useless. Good thing you have superman for a dad. He is taking care of all of us quite nicely.
Daddy tells me that I won't be sick forever. Although it doesn't feel that way, I want to believe him so I will.
-Love you baby... please don't kill me.
xoxo- momma
December 20, 2012
Dear baby,
You like eggs. It has to be you who likes them because when I think about eating them I gag but when daddy makes them and forces me to have a few bites I end up devouring the entire plate. It is strange, but I am not complaining. It is nice to have a food that I can eat and actually keep inside. We are almost to week 10 and although the sickness is not getting any better, I did shower, make the bed, clean the kitchen and teach pre-school this morning to 4 4-year old girls. So I guess we are still functioning. You have made quite the mess out of your momma. I cry... A LOT. Mostly it is at the end of the day when I am still throwing up. I cry and daddy rubs my back. I tell him that I am never going to feel better again, and he tells me I will. I tell him that I am dying and he tells me I am not. I tell him I want this to be over, and he says nothing because he doesn't want to remind me I still have 7 months to go.
I have become something a kin to a bump on a log... a crying puking bump on a log. I use to be somewhat of a busy body. I got a lot accomplished on any given day. Now what use to take me a day takes me a week... if I am lucky. Some days I feel like driving to get your brother from school is a huge accomplishment. But I guess that comes with the human growing territory, so now YOU are my accomplishment every day. Growing you and keeping you healthy is the checklist. (along with your siblings)
Love you baby-
xoxo- momma
December 27th 2012,
Dear baby,
You are a secret no longer. We told grandma and grandpa Webre the Saturday before Christmas at a big family dinner with this picture
I was nice to be able to act how I feel for a change. I picked at my food and made a few sudden trips to the bathroom and nobody gave me funny looks or asked what was wrong.
We told all of Daddy's family Christmas day, although they had all but figured it out before that. Every time we ate a meal I would make sudden exits and everyone kept commenting on my sudden weight loss. I tried to play it off as a touch of the flu but didn't quite have them convinced. So when the big reveal was made Tuesday morning there wasn't too much surprise.
Everyone is excited and anxious for your arrival.
You are surrounded by people who love you beyond words already and you always will be, you are one lucky baby.
xoxo- momma.
January 3rd 2013,
Dear baby,
Happy New Year. It is 2013. The year of your birth. We started out this new year with a bang. Literally, a big bang to the head which sent us to the hospital. Mom, Dad, Kaden and Taycee were sledding. We all jumped on a big tube at the back of a train. That is actually the most I remember but from what I am told there was a boy walking up the hill who decided to try and jump over the top of us. He didn't make it and his knees collided with your dad and my's skull. Both Dad and I were knocked unconscious, the details are blurry to me but when I came to I was vomiting and being carried to a vehicle where I was promptly taken to the hospital. The good news is that you and I are fine. Sore, tired, dizzy and extra nauseous but fine.
I went to see our doctor today and she wasn't too pleased with my choice of recreational activity. But to be fair I have been sledding every winter of my life and I have never gotten hurt. I didn't really consider that it might be an unwise activity.
The bright spot of going to the doctor today was that I got to see you. You were waving at me and kicking your legs. We have an official due date of July 20th. My goal is to keep you warm and cozy inside til at least July 1st. Help me out with that will ya? Kaden wanted to come with me to see you. He was so excited to see you on the screen and thought you were waving just at him. He prays for you every night. You have yourself a really good big brother.
I will be seeing you soon. 6 months doesn't seem like much time at all.
Hang tight.
xoxo- momma.
January 8th 2013,
Dear baby,
I am having the strangest dreams as of late. I am not sure if I should blame it on the concussion or the pregnancy. Probably a little of both. Twice now I have dreamed you are a girl. I wake up so confused because I swear you are a boy. In one dream I argued for a lengthy amount of time with the ultrasound technician because she insisted you were a girl and I insisted she was wrong. I have told everyone that I know you are a boy, because I honestly believe that is what you are. Maybe you are getting tired of hearing me say that so your sending me a few clues. I am starting to doubt my surety on the whole thing. Know that you are loved beyond measure no matter what you may be.
xoxo- momma
P.S. You may want to be a girl because Taycee insists that if you are a boy we are naming you George... like the monkey.
January 11th, 2013
Dear baby,
Today I have not thrown up once. I would call it a miracle except that I think it is due more in part to the fact that we spent 6 hours in the hospital yesterday connected to an IV that was filling me full of liquid and 3 different types of anti-nausea drugs including Aloxi, I have never heard of it but apparently it is something they give chemo patients for nausea. The day before I went in to the hospital was awful. One of my worst days to date. Dad worked from home because I literally could not drag myself out of bed long enough to do anything besides throw up in the toilet.
So I guess the good news in all of this is that I know what to do if I am desperate for a good day. The bad news is that I am not sure I will ever be that desperate. The hospital was pretty awful. But I guess I should never say never. Let's just make a deal you and I, I will keep sending your daddy to get whatever food it is you seem to be demanding at the moment and you keep me out of the hospital. Kapeesh?
Love you baby,
xoxo-momma
January 15, 2013
Dear baby,
You have an amazing daddy. He is my hero, and I love him fiercely. I want you to know how lucky you are. Not every baby is lucky enough to have a daddy who takes care of his family the way your daddy does. He is such a hard worker and is the glue that is keeping us all together right now. He is good at pretty much everything and will probably be able to help you with whatever you need. He will be your biggest fan and your greatest supporter. He is good to go to for advice because he has strong grip on reality but he also has a tender heart and he is close to the Spirit. He will teach you so much and he will learn from you to. He will always love you, no matter what. We are lucky to have him. He's the best.
xoxo-
momma
January 19th, 2013
Dear baby,
Tonight so very many thoughts fill my head. Baby sometimes life is hard. Sometimes our days demand much and we feel unable to meet those demands. Lately I have felt this way so often. Many nights I lay in bed feeling like I have come up short in my responsibilities as a friend, mom and wife. I list my accomplishments and my "fails" of the day and feel like the scales don't balance out. Tonight I was feeling especially inadequate. Maybe it had to do with the fact that dinner consisted of grilled cheese sandwiches and applesauce, or that my entire list of To-Do's was accomplished by your daddy because I was too weak to walk down the stairs. This pregnancy has been my hardest by far and though you are worth every ounce of life it drains out of me your momma doesn't handle being incapable very well. I like to do, I like to make a plan and check things off my list and feel productive. Laying on the bathroom floor with my head in a toilet doesn't do much for my sense of accomplishment. I worry that your siblings aren't getting the amount of quality time and attention they deserve, and though they don't mind the extra TV and video game time I feel guilty all the same. I watch your daddy come home for a very long day of work and then put in a few more hours doing my work at home and the guilt mounts a little more.
Tonight as I lay in bed starting at the ceiling going through all the demands I feel unable to meet a Hymn came to mind. The words of "How firm a foundation"
In ev'ry condition--in sickness, in health,
In poverty's vale or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad, on the land or the sea--
As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.
So my baby that is what I want to say to you tonight, our Heavenly Father succor's us. Sometimes we are not enough and he makes up the difference. When our days demand much He is there to lift our weary shoulders and help move our feet. You will face hard things in life, we all do. It is what makes us grow and become better. You might have days where you lay in bed and stare at the ceiling while you list your "fails" of the day and the guilt starts to mount. But remember this, you are not alone. When you have done all you are able and the demands are still not met, He is there to succor you. He will and he does. I know it, I can feel it.
Love you,
xoxo-
momma
January 30th, 2013
Dear baby,
It is happening, slowly, but happening none the less. I am eating more and puking less. I don't know when it started to happen but I would find myself standing at the pantry actually looking for something to snack on. Though I find my head closer to the toilet than I prefer several times a day still it IS getting better. And that is something.
My latest discomfort comes from a rib that is out of place, I am currently on the hunt for a reliable chiropractor in the area that can help with that problem.
We get to go see the doctor again tomorrow, if she decides to do an ultrasound I just might know what gender you are 24 hours from now. I still put my bet on a boy. Taycee told her primary class at church that there was a baby brother in her moms tummy so if you are not a boy I will have some explaining to do. Taycee also prayed the other night that we would choose a name for you so you would know you have a name. Don't you worry baby, you will have a name and it will not be George.
I have found a go to drink that you and I both tolerate quite well. Orange Juice. We drink it by the gallons. Since it is loaded with Vitamin C, folic acid, and potassium I don't mind. Foods are still hit and miss but the other day you let me eat one of my most favorite snacks, cottage cheese and Doritos. Thanks for that. :)
Love you,
xoxo-
momma
February 4th, 2013
Dear baby,
3 days, that is how long it has been since I threw up last. It is a record and I will take it. The nausea hasn't subsided yet but that is okay. I have a rib out of place in my back and Dad and I have contracted a pretty killer cold, but I am thinking this time next month I might actually be feeling like a normal person again. Well at least a normal pregnant person. I don't feel you moving yet although I would expect it any day. I felt your siblings around 16 weeks and as of today I am 16 weeks and 2 days. So any time I expect to feel your tiny wiggles and rolls. It is nice when that stage comes because it is a daily assurance that you are alive and growing. People ask me about our summer plans all the time and I smile and shrug because really our summer is as unplanned and unsure as it could possible get. We don't know when you will make your appearance, we don't know how long I will need to be on bed rest, we don't know where or when daddy will get a job, and therefore we don't know when we will be moving. For a mommy who likes plans and schedules that is a LOT of unknown. It is a good lesson for me in patience, humility and faith. I don't mind change in small doses, in fact I think change is good. It refines us, and makes us grow. But there is SO MUCH change in our very near future and I have literally no control over any of it. So I am trying to take it all in stride and have faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for our little family and we will be taken care of. We always have, so I don't have any reason to doubt.
Love you baby,
xoxo-
momma
February 4th, 2013... again
Dear baby,
It is midnight. I should be sleeping. Instead I am sitting up in bed watching Alias and pigging out. I don't feel bad saying that because this is the first time I have been able to pig out since I found out your sweet little spirit was heading our way. I laid in bed for about an hour before giving in to the craving. The craving by the way was strawberries and chips and salsa. Luckily for me, (or more accurately your daddy) we had a box of fresh strawberries in the fridge along with a bottle of salsa and I was able to rummage up a bag of tortilla chips in the pantry. So here I sit, eating to your little hearts content. I am hoping it stays down, because I can't imagine this combination coming back up. So far though I feel no nausea, and am quite content with my first late night splurge. Yay for us!
Love you baby,
xoxo-
moma.
February 5th, 2013
Dear baby,
Your daddy is a saint. Every mommy needs to have a husband like your daddy. Today he worked from home so that I could try and sleep off this cold that has taken a hold of my body. He did it all, made the food cleaned the kitchen, took Taycee to dance, picked up Kaden from school, and still managed to get some of his own work done. ( I say some because there is no way he got a full days work in, we ran him ragged.) Once he put your siblings to bed he came and laid down by me. Since I spent most of the day in bed I had a lot of time to stew over the next few months. Your mommy + time to stew is not the best equation. So he then patiently listened to me as I blubbered on about how scared I was and how frustrating it is to have no control. I rambled on about the impossibility of putting Kaden in a new school without the proper time to research. I complained about the lack of job offers as of yet. I pulled up articles showing the decrease of chemical engineering PH.D. employment rates. For an hour plus I went on and on, and your daddy listened and did his best to console and comfort. Never once did he mention his own fears, which I know are as real as mine. He didn't bring up the fact that all my articles and complaining weren't helping him feel more confident in his chances. He didn't scold me for my lack of faith. He didn't sarcastically thank me for my vote confidence in his abilities and the last 4 years he has put into achieving this degree so we could have a better life. ( Although I am sure that all of those thoughts were running through his head.) He just listened and nodded and let me spew every bottled up feeling and thought bouncing around my head. And just at the moment I was finally winding down there was a loud splashing sound in the room next door. Kaden apparently has the flu and emptied an impossible amount of vomit out of his stomach and ALL over his room. So daddy jumped up, he caught the last half in a small cool whip bucket and then got to work cleaning up the room. But first he lit a candle and brought it into the bedroom so the smell wouldn't get to me and I could keep MY dinner down. He won't let me out to help. ( I did try, though.) He insists I stay here. He come in periodically to give me updates. His last update was "have you ever heard of the term, splash damage?" Apparently Kaden leaned over the side of his top bunk bed before throwing up so he got it on his bed, Taycee's bed below, and everything that happened to be laying on the floor. (Too bad mom didn't make the kids clean up their room today.) Taycee's shoe got filled up but daddy said he thinks he got it mostly cleaned out.
My point baby is that your daddy is as good as gold. There aren't many out there like him. I thank Heavenly Father every night for him, we are lucky to call him ours.
xoxo-
momma
February 9th, 2013
Dear baby,
I think we might have made it. It has been 4 days since I threw up last-- an all time record. I am mentally knocking on every wooden object I can think of... BUT we just might be moving on to a better stage of this pregnancy. Daddy took me dancing tonight. I love that daddy of yours.
I have been thinking so much about you lately. What you will look like, what you will accomplish, what you will be. My favorite moment of having a baby is the first time my baby is placed in my arms. I get to look into that baby's eyes and something in my heart always says "oh, I have known you for forever." And I know it will be the same with you. I will hold you and look into your precious little eyes and think "well hello my old friend, it's so good to finally see you again." because I know you. I have known you for forever. You have always been mine, and I am so excited to hold you again. As I squeezed your older sister tonight and kissed on her chubby little cheeks I thought for just a moment that perhaps you will be another little girl with sparkly blue eyes and a mischievous little smile. I could almost picture you chasing your sisters and stealing their dolls. So just maybe baby you are a little girl. In 19 days we will know for sure. Whatever you are, I can't wait to see you again, you will fill up a space in my heart I didn't know was empty. You will bring so much happiness to our home. You are mine baby, and I have loved you for forever.
xoxo-
momma.
March 1st, 2013
Dear DAUGHTER,
That is right, I now know you are a girl. Yesterday we found out at 9:00 in the morning that another little lady would be joining our family. You have put me in quite a predicament though. You see, I have felt quite certain for the past few years that another little boy would join our family at some time. On more than one occasion I felt that to be true. HOWEVER, I have also been quite certain that this will be my last pregnancy. Hence the reason I was so sure you were a boy at first. As you probably know by now pregnancy is hard on me and it doesn't seem to get easier the older I get. So now I guess I need to decide which thing I am more certain of. No matter though, I have a few months still til a final decision needs to be made.
Though I did think you would be a boy, now that I know you are a girl it just feels... right. You were meant to be mine and I can't wait to hold you in my arms.
I love you little girl.
xoxo-
momma.
March 14th, 2013
Dear daughter,
It is crazy the love of a mother. It starts the moment mom finds out baby is on her way and it grows exponentially every day until mom's heart is bursting. Baby girl, you will never know how loved you are. It is beyond words. Maybe one day when you have your own baby growing inside you will understand, but until then you will just have to trust that you are loved more than words. My letters to you are fewer because I am actually feeling partially normal again. I am back to checking off to do lists and doing homework, reading lessons and school projects. Less letters means a healthier mommy. I have been able to exercise regularly for almost a month. It has been like a whole new world. You are such an active little peanut. I have never had a baby move as much as you do. I feel you what seems like constantly. It is a reassuring feeling that I love. I have already bought you two new tiny outfits. I can almost see you in them and I can't wait to snuggle your little self into my arms and breathe in that intoxicating newborn smell.
We have a name tentatively picked out for you. It is the only name both your daddy and I can agree on for now. The only problem is that we can not decide on a middle name that sounds okay with it that we like. So it is still in the development stage. Luckily Taycee dropped the whole "George" idea when we told her it was a sister not a brother.
In just a few short months you will be here, and I will probably be up nursing or rocking you. Stay safe in there my baby girl. My heart is already bursting with love.
xoxo-
momma.
April 14th 2013
Dear daughter,
Oh how full my heart is tonight. There are so many thoughts that fill my mind it is hard to find a place to start. Life at our house has been on the harder end of the difficulty scale lately. Dad is in his final months of graduate school and things aren't going as planned. That is life my girl, things rarely go as you plan. We are trying so hard to make a plan for your arrival. The doctor has told me I will most definitely be on bed rest during the end of this pregnancy to make sure you stay safe inside and have as much time as possible to grow. Your momma needs to stop trying to do that, making plans. I think that Heavenly Father is trying to teach me a lesson in letting go and relying more on faith. Every time I think I have a hint of a plan something come along to make sure that planning is not an option.
Faith, that is the key to all things really. What I have learned most lately is that faith and fear cannot coexist. If you truly have faith that Heavenly Father will take care of you then there is no room for fear. With faith comes a peace that fills your heart and mind.
I hope that your faith is always strong baby girl. I hope that you build a strong foundation of faith early on in your life so that when life gets to be on the harder end of the difficulty scale for you you can fall back on that faith and find the peace that lies therein.
I KNOW that Heavenly Father is aware of us. He is in the details of our lives. Hard times are important, they help us grow. They smooth out our rough edges and help us become more like our Father in Heaven. I also know that during those hard times we are not alone. If we will let him our Savior will comfort us. He understands all the pain and frustrations we feel because he has felt them. I want you to always remember that baby, you are never ever alone.
On a lighter note....
Last week the doctor told me that I needed to start a "moderate bed rest" with your 3 sibling this is a feat much easier said than done. Even without your siblings around that is a feat that is hard for your mom. I enjoy to do lists and accomplishing them. And I have this thing about people telling me what to do. So when your dad tells me to go lay in bed I get an incredibly strong urge to go out and weed the flower bed. But because I love you so much already and want nothing more than for you to arrive healthy and strong I will do my best to be obedient.
I am growing like never before. I am as big now at 26 weeks as I was with your sisters when I delivered. Regardless of my diet restrictions and regular exercise I am gaining weight at a rapid and consistent pace. Although I don't enjoy my ever expanding figure I does make me hopeful that you will be a large healthy baby. Actually if you were born a boy I wouldn't be all the surprised. This pregnancy has been identical to your brothers in every single way. But they say you are a girl so a girl is what I plan on you to be. Just don't get too big on me. If my body had a hard time keeping in your 5 lb sister I worry what it will do with an 8 lb baby.
In the morning, when I roll over for the first time after I wake up you go crazy. I don't know if you like that I am awake and it is your way of saying good morning to me or if you are mad that I disturbed your peaceful slumber. But for about 30 straight seconds you flip and kick and bounce. My stomach goes crazy. It has become a fun little tradition of ours.
Thanks for making me smile first things every morning. You help me remember all the things I have to be thankful for.
xoxo-
momma
May 8th, 2013
Dear daughter,
I think you have a name now. I don't want to jinx it so I won't say for sure but if your initials end up being BFC then know that at 29 weeks pregnant your dad and I finally found a name that we could both agree on. Not that it matters what your name is, you will be beautiful and perfect regardless. I spent a lot of time thinking about you today. It is a Wednesday and Wednesdays are particularly long days at our house. Dad works a 24 hour shift so I am on solo parent duty. Some days I handle it with no problem, but most days we head out of a slurpee and movie to keep us all sane. It is days like that.. like this... that I wonder if I am a good enough mom to take care of 4 children. I know I can physically take care of you all. I can keep you fed and clothed and alive. But can I teach you all you need to know? Can I make you all feel how truly loved you are. Will you each know how special and important you are to me? I hope so, I pray so. Because each of you holds a place in my heart that can't be filled by any other little being on this earth.
You seem to be behaving. Although I do have contractions, they have yet to be regular enough to send me to the hospital. I am working on preparing for your arrival. With the uncertainty of life right now it is hard to do much in the way of planning, but tomorrow I am getting out all of your sisters newborn clothes and washing them so I have an idea of what can be used again and what you will need.
Taycee kisses my belly all the time and tells me how excited she is for you to get here. She will smother you with love from the second you are born.
You are loved my girl. Hope you always know it.
xoxo-
momma
May 12th, 2013
Dear daughter,
Last night I had a dream. It was a good dream, I was back in college with not much responsibility. The dream was filled with old friends and much of what college use to consist of...freedom. There was nothing bad about the dream in fact I was having quite a good time at a party. When I woke up I realized that it was only a dream and about that same moment 3 little bodies came bursting into my room with homemade mothers day cards and coupon books...and reality became better than my dreams.
Today is Mothers day. Your daddy made sure I felt extra loved, I received flowers and breakfast in bed, your brother and sisters colored me pictures and sang me songs. Next to marrying your dad being a mother is the greatest blessing I've ever received. I wouldn't trade the wet kisses and the "hi mamma"'s for any of the college parties or freedom in the world. Becoming a mother was the most defining moment of my life to date. I had no idea then how it would change me. Change the way that I think and feel, change the way that I see the world. Change my goals and aspirations. It has made me into a new person, a better person. Most days I don't remember the old me, what it was like to have free time and late mornings. I don't remember the life before I had small hand prints on my pants and little hair bows stuck in my hair. I don't remember the days when I would clean a room and come back two hours later to the same orderly clean room. But that is okay because now life is better. Life is full of soccer games and dance recitals. I spend most of the day with chubby arms wrapped around my legs or neck. There are dimples, and ringlets, and eager hands wanting to explore. I always have helpers to mix the flour into the bread and drop the cookies onto the pan. There are more "I love you's" in my day than I use to get in a month. So thank you my little one, because you will soon be one of the reasons that life is better than my dreams.
xoxo-
momma
June 11th, 2012
Dear baby,
Well we have made it to 34 weeks. I was only 3 days further along with you sister than I am today when my water broke. I am hoping that bed rest will carry you and I a little further. Not that I am not excited to see your sweet face and look into those familiar eyes, because I am. But I would like to keep you all to myself, I didn't like sharing Addi with the NICU. I much prefer my babies to be snuggled right on my chest. So stay in there just a little longer. Please?
Dad and I are back to debating about your name. A few days ago dad said "maybe this baby is a boy and that is why we can not come up with any girl names". I had to laugh because that thought has crossed my mind several times. My pregnancy with you has been identical to your brothers and nothing like either of you sisters. But I have drawers full of freshly washed baby girl clothes and a box of newly made headbands waiting for you....what I do not have is a stitch of boy clothing in my possession so you better be a girl.
Bed rest has been pretty awful. The idea of bed rest sounds nice, lay around read books watch a few good shows. I can't tell you how many people have made the comment that they wish they could be put on bed rest. The actuality of only being able to stand for 15 minutes a day is another story. I have several good books to read and I have read. I have edited pictures and updated the blog, but for the most part I have gone stir crazy and wished to be able to do some dishes or put away some laundry. There is much to be said for feeling like you are accomplishing things. But above all you are my priority. Your health and safety is my number one concern so I will stay down and be bored and think about those tiny fingers that will soon be in mine. Grow fast baby, I have a feeling we are in the final days.
My prediction of your birth date is June 28th you will be just shy of 37 weeks then and I seem to always have my babies just shy of the week mark. Daddy thinks you will be born on Addi Boo's birthday the 25th. Grandma Clayton thinks you will be born on the 21st. Only time will tell I guess.
Your time up in Heaven is drawing to a close for now. I am sure you are saying many goodbyes. What an adventure is waiting for you here on earth. There are so many things to learn and experience. The world is a beautiful place full of so much good. There are many scary things here too, things that make you cry, things that make you doubt that good really exists in people. But if you look for it you will always see the beauty our Heavenly Father has created here for us. You are a chosen spirit. To come to the world in this time you have to be. I am privileged to be the mother to such valiant ones. Your adventure is about to begin, so hang on baby its going to be a beautiful ride.
xoxo-
momma
July 7th, 2013
Dear Brielle,
You have arrived. You held on til 36 weeks and 5 days. Thank you. You arrived perfectly, healthy and strong, at 6 lbs 10oz. All of that praying for you to grow and develop worked, because for being 4 weeks early you were a big baby. There is something about having a baby, that makes you feel connected a little more to our Heavenly Father. Amidst the monitors and doctors and IV's there is a moment where it seems Heaven opens up a bit as they place a new spirit on your chest and you become the keeper of such a precious little one. I looked at you and you instantly took hold of my heart. Just as all your sibling have before. You were so familiar and so right. You have been my whole world since your birth. The other kids went to be with grandmas so it has just been you and me. We have spent the majority of that time snuggled in bed. You fit so perfectly on my chest and there is no place I would rather you be. If I could freeze you just like this I would. I would do the sore body and aching breasts, I would do the sleepless nights and 4 hour feedings. I would do it all to keep you so tiny and precious and pure. To keep the spirit that emanates from you so close to my heart. But you must continue to grow. There are so many things in this life for you to experience and see. So many beautiful wonderful things for you to discover. There are hard things and sad things too. I wish I could keep those from you but they are part of this experience and they will serve to strengthen you and teach you more about who you really are. So my precious little one, welcome. So much good lies ahead for you, but don't but don't be too anxious to find it. Snuggling with mommy is pretty good too.
xoxo-
momma
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