Faith

My new Mantra

 and so I think I shall print this little quote out, frame it, and hang it on the ceiling so it is the first thing I read when I open my eyes...

.... okay maybe not the ceiling, but somewhere nearby.

Sometimes

Sometimes days are long and nights are longer.

Sometimes children get sick for a few days weeks at a time.

Sometimes mom takes it all in stride and stays calm and collected.

Sometimes she doesn't.

Sometimes daddy stays up all night every night trying to meet a deadline.

Sometimes that deadline is met.

Sometimes it isn't.

Sometimes I see all the sadness around me and feel so blessed for my happy easy life.

Sometimes when 9:00 rolls around and the kids are finally in bed I curl up and cry because life seems hard.

Sometimes I choose faith over worry. I decide to really let go and let God. I give pep talks to Chris about how it is all going to work out for us. I am positive, I am motivating.

Sometimes I lay awake at night staring at the ceiling worrying. I try to find control in this tail spin of uncontrollable. I feel small, I feel weak, I feel afraid.

Sometimes I smile and tell everyone how fine I am with the unknown and the change and the mounting stress.

Sometimes I mean it.

Sometimes I text a neighbor down the street something about hiding in a closet and breathing into a paper bag.

Sometimes I mean that too.


Every night  Sometimes all I want for dinner is a grand turkey sandwich from Arby's

Sometimes my hair doesn't get washed for 4 days.


Sometimes I can't concentrate on anything but the kicks and jabs I feel from the little tiny one growing inside of me. I dream about inhaling her intoxicating newborn smell and falling asleep with her snuggled on my chest.

Sometimes days are so busy I forget that I am pregnant.

Sometimes I don't get any chores done because it is way more fun to play outside with the kids.

Sometimes when I go to the grocery store alone I walk down every isle twice just because there is no one calling my name or needing me for anything.

Sometimes I walk down them 3 times.

Sometimes I sneak into the kids rooms after they fall asleep and watch their chests rise and fall. I watch their eyelashes flutter on their chubby cheeks and my heart wants to burst with love. I can barley restrain myself from scooping them up smothering them with kisses.

It feels kind of like we are on a roller coaster these days. I find myself wishing the next few months away so we can get to the time when we have a plan and are settled, then I instantly feel guilty for wishing any of my babies moments away. They are growing so fast and changing every week. I panic I am so consumed by the enormity of the tasks that lie ahead that I am missing the small moments that are happening right now. So I spend the next few days trying to etch every detail of their little selves in my mind before they change and this stage is gone forever. I feel like we are living in a weird type of limbo. We know big changes are just on the horizon but we don't know what they are or when they will be happening. I want so badly to make a few summer plans but can't because I don't even know what state we will be living in. I hear mom's talk about next school year and just pray that we will have time to find good schools for the kids before the school year starts.

So for now I am working on putting aside the OCD to-do list must have a plan side of me and focus on my babies who don't have care in the world. They couldn't care less if we live in Utah or Taiwan. They find happiness in the moment wherever they may be. And no matter where we go I get to take them with me. So how bad can it be really?

Sometimes things just work out.

xoxo-

me

These Days

I have been feeling more normal these days and less like a crazy pukey pregnant person. It has been refreshing. To do lists are getting done, and play time is actually fun.

The kids are growing and changing every day. I hate that the most. I looked at Taycee today and almost didn't recognize her grown up face. She is a girl now, there is not an ounce of toddler left in that tall little four year old body. I miss those chubby cheeks and baby curls, however I don't miss the tantrums and naughty streak that went along with it. She is my little helper those days and though her spunky sassy personality is still well and alive, we spend most days as buddies instead of sparing partners. She has a quick little mind and she always surprises me with how much she knows.

Kaden is loving school and is doing more in kindergarten than I was doing in 2nd grade I am sure. One of the hardest things about moving for me will be pulling him out of this school, I LOVE the education he is getting there and am so impressed with the whole system. It will be hard to find a school that compares. He also has his first "crush". He sits by a girl he calls Addyson J. (They have 2 Addyson's in their class so they refer to them by their name and last initial) He is always making her laugh and talking to her. Last time I was in his class I overheard some boys teasing him. They kept saying "Kaden likes Addyson J" he just smiled and laughed at them and said "no I don't" although he was never very adamant about it. It was cute, at first I worried it might embarrass him but he didn't seemed phased at all by their teasing. He still has the sweetest of hearts and I adore him. Before we found out what gender this new little one was I asked him what he wanted her to be. I fully expected him to say a boy because he is surrounded by girls all day.  But to my surprise he said girl. When I asked why he gave Addison a hug and said " I just love these baby sisters." It is probably good that this little babe is another girl because I don't think a boy could live up to the expectations his brother set. If I could just find a pill that would freeze him in time my worries would be solved. He is growing like a weed, he has already outgrown his school pants from the fall but I refuse to buy new pants that he will only wear for a few weeks until it is back to shorts weather so he is just wearing pants that are an inch to short for now. Good thing 5 year olds don't care much.

Last week we all came down with an awful stomach bug. It was like some kind of horror show. All 3 kids started throwing up about 2 in the morning. We spent the next 24 hours cleaning up lots and lots of throw up. I spent the next few days cleaning all of our carpets. Luckily Chris and I didn't pick up the bug til a few days after the kids. I am not sure that we would have made it if all of us came down with it in the same day. 

Chris is working like a mule. The finish line seems so close... yet so far. When I think about all the changes that will happen in the next 6 months, I may or may not need to start breathing into a brown paper bag. The final push is here, and we are feeling it. It will be nice to have a job that doesn't require all nighters 4 am mornings and 24 hour stress. He is currently in the process of getting some of his research published which is a large requirement for his Ph.D. once that is done and accepted there will be a large weight lifted. We think that a lot of job offers are hinging on the completion of that publication, and hope that with that accomplished we can actually get some answers about where our little family will be moving to in 5 short months. 

We are LOVING this weather. We have spent all our spare moments outside enjoying some much needed Vitamin D. We plan to spend any day over 50 at the park. Hello sunshine oh how we have missed you.

Grandma Clayton came into town last week and treated us to lunch and the evening at Jungle Jims. The kids were in heaven.

And that is life these days. We are blessed.

Remember that time..

Dear Addi Boo,

Remember that time when you were 20 months old and I looked at you and panicked? I felt like your days were slipping through my fingers and you had gone from a tiny baby to a little girl in .06 seconds. Remember how I worried that a new baby girl was on her way and somehow that would make you less of my baby? Remember how I followed you around for the next few days with my camera documenting every little thing that you did trying so desperately capture the small moments? Remember how 90% of the pictures turned out blurry because you were moving at 100 mph from the second your eyelids open til the moment your long eyelashes were resting again on those chubby cheeks?

Remember how you were always trying to sneak into the pantry so you could steal some cold cereal? It was your very favorite treat at 20 months old. You knew exactly which bag was your favorite and you would grab it, sit down and fill your chubby little fingers with crunch berries.

Remember how unstable you were when you walked? You fell down constantly but it never bothered you, you would immediately stand right back up and walk your drunken little walk to wherever it was you wanted to be.

Remember how your very favorite place in the whole house was the bathroom? I did all I could to keep those doors shut but you had a sixth sense for when they were left open. You would always sneak in and open the drawers and cupboards and pull out whatever it was you found there. You especially loved to play in the toilet. Do you remember how much your mommy hated that part?

Remember how your favorite item was your toothbrush? Oh how you loved to brush your teeth. You walked around the house with it in your mouth for a good part of every day. At night when you saw me pull our the toothpaste you would get so excited and walk as fast as your legs would carry you over to me and say "AH" so I would brush your teeth.

Do you remember? I hope to. I hope I always remember these days, because they are fleeting and it seems that they are changing every moment. Please stop growing my little Boo.... at least until I find a way to preserve every moment of your crazy, busy, sweet little self.

xoxo-

Momma

The bump

Just a little photo documentation of "the bump"

I believe this one was at about 18 weeks. Kaden was my photographer. He was standing on the couch holding my 5lb camera and watching Jimmy Neutron all at the same time. A few times I caught him watching Jimmy Neutron through my camera and would have to re-direct his focus. My point being that the pics are a little crooked and blurry. But hey, he is five.

This was 20 weeks. Taken yesterday after we found out baby GIRL #3 is on her way.