April Fools

It was a year ago that this little man played the worst April fools joke.  

My mom had arrived the day before and we had just told her a new baby was on the way.  I was sick.  So so so sick.  I had been for about 5 weeks.  We took a walk to the park with Brielle and Addison. When we came home I was extra tired so while mom read books to the girls I took a quick nap in the recliner chair. I woke up to a sharp pain and a large gush of fluids.  Mom was still reading books so I tried to quickly (but calmly) get up and head to the bathroom.  

I'll spare you all the gross details but there was a lot of blood and fluid and things that meant there wasn't going to be a baby joining us after all.

I was filled with so many feelings.  I was sad and scared and confused and frustrated and I felt so much guilt. You see, I hadn't really wanted to get pregnant. It had taken over a year to accept the promptings and whisperings that there really was another little spirit who needed to join our family. It had taken over a year to prepare myself for the unbearable awfulness that is pregnancy. But I had done it. I had given my will over to His I had sacrificed my body, my health, my sanity, because I knew that I needed to have faith in His plan. I had already survived 5 weeks of the debilitating sickness that accompanies pregnancy and I COULD NOT imagine ever doing it again. So I hit my knees and left it all in Heavenly Father's hands. I believe the words went something along these lines "I am willing. I have given you everything I've got. If you want a spirit to join this family this is your chance. But I can't do it again, I won't survive it. So please, if this baby is meant to be in my arms fix this. Save this pregnancy and this baby."

The bleeding and the fluid continued. By the time we made it to the emergency room I was 100% sure that there was no way a baby could survive it all. We were admitted and the ultra sound tech came in. Chris and I were both prepared for the absolute worst and then, a heartbeat. A strong heartbeat and a very active little baby. I was so confused. How? The tech couldn't say anything and it was another hour before a doctor came in to tell us our baby was just fine. There was no real explanation for all of the blood and fluid. There was no guarantee that I wasn't miscarrying but for now the baby looked good. I was sent home on bedrest for the weekend and we all joked through tears that this baby was the ultimate April 1st prankster.  

One year later I still look at him and think of that day a year ago when I was sure I would never see his little face. He is a reminder that prayers are heard, miracles happen and there is a plan that is always so much greater than our own.