Sometimes

Sometimes days are long and nights are longer.

Sometimes children get sick for a few days weeks at a time.

Sometimes mom takes it all in stride and stays calm and collected.

Sometimes she doesn't.

Sometimes daddy stays up all night every night trying to meet a deadline.

Sometimes that deadline is met.

Sometimes it isn't.

Sometimes I see all the sadness around me and feel so blessed for my happy easy life.

Sometimes when 9:00 rolls around and the kids are finally in bed I curl up and cry because life seems hard.

Sometimes I choose faith over worry. I decide to really let go and let God. I give pep talks to Chris about how it is all going to work out for us. I am positive, I am motivating.

Sometimes I lay awake at night staring at the ceiling worrying. I try to find control in this tail spin of uncontrollable. I feel small, I feel weak, I feel afraid.

Sometimes I smile and tell everyone how fine I am with the unknown and the change and the mounting stress.

Sometimes I mean it.

Sometimes I text a neighbor down the street something about hiding in a closet and breathing into a paper bag.

Sometimes I mean that too.


Every night  Sometimes all I want for dinner is a grand turkey sandwich from Arby's

Sometimes my hair doesn't get washed for 4 days.


Sometimes I can't concentrate on anything but the kicks and jabs I feel from the little tiny one growing inside of me. I dream about inhaling her intoxicating newborn smell and falling asleep with her snuggled on my chest.

Sometimes days are so busy I forget that I am pregnant.

Sometimes I don't get any chores done because it is way more fun to play outside with the kids.

Sometimes when I go to the grocery store alone I walk down every isle twice just because there is no one calling my name or needing me for anything.

Sometimes I walk down them 3 times.

Sometimes I sneak into the kids rooms after they fall asleep and watch their chests rise and fall. I watch their eyelashes flutter on their chubby cheeks and my heart wants to burst with love. I can barley restrain myself from scooping them up smothering them with kisses.

It feels kind of like we are on a roller coaster these days. I find myself wishing the next few months away so we can get to the time when we have a plan and are settled, then I instantly feel guilty for wishing any of my babies moments away. They are growing so fast and changing every week. I panic I am so consumed by the enormity of the tasks that lie ahead that I am missing the small moments that are happening right now. So I spend the next few days trying to etch every detail of their little selves in my mind before they change and this stage is gone forever. I feel like we are living in a weird type of limbo. We know big changes are just on the horizon but we don't know what they are or when they will be happening. I want so badly to make a few summer plans but can't because I don't even know what state we will be living in. I hear mom's talk about next school year and just pray that we will have time to find good schools for the kids before the school year starts.

So for now I am working on putting aside the OCD to-do list must have a plan side of me and focus on my babies who don't have care in the world. They couldn't care less if we live in Utah or Taiwan. They find happiness in the moment wherever they may be. And no matter where we go I get to take them with me. So how bad can it be really?

Sometimes things just work out.

xoxo-

me